Don't say I didn't warn you

The end is near

Prediction: Al Gore will become the antichrist.

Don't dismiss it quite yet...think about it for a minute. The whole world's mainstream will unite under this mantra and saving the earth...going green...will become their religion, following their leader, Al Gore, who knows EVERYTHING about global warming and has incredible abilities, like inventing the internet (okay, that last part was a jab). In fact, he said the other day that anyone who doesn't believe in global warming is like the people who believed the earth was flat!

Believe or else!

People will worship him (I mean more than they already do) and take everything he says as truth (like they already do).

Think about it...what else on could possibly unite everyone, regardless of age, race, religion, culture...it's impossible to get everyone to on one thing, something always gets in the way. This is something that everyone could agree on. Plus there's no way to prove global warming, you just have to take Al's word that it's happening...and believe that it's also our fault...we caused this. We need to repent...or else! This will catch all kinds of people who aren't aware of what they're doing...they'll turn their eyes from God and follow blindly.

Beware!

Every time it rains

Rez Band - Every Time It Rains

I've been alone
Out on my own
Exchanging truth for a lie
Pleasure for pride
Hell on my side
Say what you please
This brought me to my knees

Jesus, You cried for me when I could weep no more
You died for me when I was dead in sin
You felt for me when I was numb within
You searched for me and brought me home again

Why do You love me, when I treat You so wrong?
I give you heartache and You give me a song
I give You silence, cold and empty stares
But still I know You care
Oh Lord, wherever I run, You're there

Jesus, You cried for me when I could weep no more
You died for me when I was dead in sin
You felt for me when I was numb within
You searched for me and brought me home again

Onenemy

Life has been okay lately.

The most recent trouble has been dealing with my memories of the past. I am of course referring to my depression years. Depression seems to be too light of a term...it was much closer to bipolar or schizophrenia or something like that.

I can see now that I was much worse off than I was aware. Remembering it can be quite overwhelming, and lately I've been afraid that by remembering it, I'm inviting it back. There are so many things that nobody else knows about, things I don't want anyone else to know about, and I don't want people to get the impression that I was healed of depression...the kind where you just don't feel like getting out of bed, but rather the kind that had me daily wishing I could commit suicide, or the times I sort of tried, or seeing the most realistic visions of myself having committed suicide, or all the lies I told myself just so I could get by, or actually speaking the words of the devil, or trying to get schizophrenia so I could be committed.

It's important to me that people know just how far I've come, and I don't really know how to describe it.

Remembering it, however, brings me to tears; if you see them I want you to know they're not tears of joy of having been released from all this pain, but rather out of fear...fear that I am not immune to this all coming back, because it did come back once. It started in 93 and between 95 and 97 it was gone, but only to return until 2006.

Fortunately, I have been healed of it all, but the scars are still there, and I am still discovering the truth. For years I convinced myself that 1+1 does not equal 2 (this is a metaphor, go with me on this)...I don't know what it equals, but it most certainly does not equal 2. The ramifications of all these lies are still haunting me...granted, to a lesser degree as time goes on, but it's still quite a process, and one that I wasn't expecting to have to go through.

How would I have known?

I suppose had I known, I would have been much more afraid to have thrust myself towards Heaven from the clutches of hell. Doesn't sound so hard now, though.

The most current thing I'm trying to work on is praise and worship music. In my opinion, it's all fluff with no substance whatsoever. I cannot relate to any of it. I'm feeling guilty too, because I feel surrounded by it, and I feel like something's wrong with me because there is no connection. During the depression, this music had a very negative effect on me. Here I am in church and everyone's singing these songs...everyone is perfect and living in a world free of pain and hurt. I felt like the spotlight was on me...singled out in a crowd. "These people are all Christians, and their lives are perfect....you call yourself a Christian and your life is pain and hurt...something's wrong with you...you're not one of them...you're not a good Christian...look at your life, you wish for death and are filled with hate and rage...you must not be a Christian because you aren't like these people." I loved the old hymns because they told stories of how there was pain and suffering and struggle in life, but God rescued you...to God be the Glory! But hymns were too old fashioned and outdated...to be a real Christian, you must listen to KTIS every waking moment, and do the whole thing where you close your eyes and raise your hands...hymns don't apply to our generation anymore. Church services must fit KTIS' approval.

So how do you expect me to listen, much less sing along to these songs, when all they do is remind me of my depression years and the isolation and distance from God? I can't do it without getting angry, unless I kind of shut down and not pay attention.

This post is not meant to resolve anything because I don't have an answer.

I will say, that despite all I've written here, that at this point in my life, I am the happiest and most content I have ever been.

I'm going to close with portions of a song that I can relate to, and no it's not a Christian song, but I can relate to it (unlike many Christian songs). It helps convey what I've gone through and what I'm feeling - it's called Easier to Run by Linkin Park.

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret, I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep, they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There’d never be a past

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler than change

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up, and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

Paint my muscle car prune-color please

Made you look!

"Every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced, that the wisest and best, is to fix our attention on the good and on the beautiful, if we just take the time to look at it."

Yeah, whatever.

The speed of life

I don't have time for much today, although I do have a lot on my mind...that will have to wait until I have more time.

Just so you know I'm still alive, I'm updating my page. On another note, I've decided I like Facebook better than MySpace because there's more things to do on Facebook...I just need to learn how to do them. Look me up sometime, I have pictures! If you need help, leave your message after the beep.

Advice for the day: Don't make things more complicated than they need to be.

Can I have a free shirt?

I'm excited to be able to go to the fair this year. We actually have some money now, even after buying a house, that we're going twice!

Life is a little frustrating, though. It's taking a long time to unpack, and we have really no idea what we're doing, as far as knowing where to put things. I need to buy a fly swatter. I just got buzzed, but I don't have one and I can't get one until tomorrow. The fly might be somewhere else by then. Probably so.

What do you call it when everyone loves your work, but you don't? I just finished a wedding for a customer, and they called back with very glowing comments, but I just watched it again, and I think it's kinda lousy. I guess I'm exceeding everyone's expectations but my own. Maybe I need some time to just relax -- and maybe watch some other people's work (which really IS lousy) to make myself feel better. I don't feel BAD necessarily, it's just that I think I can do much better than I did. Maybe if I had more time...I dunno.

I think the fair is coming at a good time this year...I need to spend a lot of money and gain about 10 more pounds :)

But, I'm still smiling, and I guess that's what's important. I'm not feeling down, I just think I should be doing better than I am.

Opportunity abounds with every new day.

Hey, if anyone wants to see my work, visit www.unitedvideoinc.com and check out the weddings page to see what I do all day for the past 10 years.