Onenemy

Life has been okay lately.

The most recent trouble has been dealing with my memories of the past. I am of course referring to my depression years. Depression seems to be too light of a term...it was much closer to bipolar or schizophrenia or something like that.

I can see now that I was much worse off than I was aware. Remembering it can be quite overwhelming, and lately I've been afraid that by remembering it, I'm inviting it back. There are so many things that nobody else knows about, things I don't want anyone else to know about, and I don't want people to get the impression that I was healed of depression...the kind where you just don't feel like getting out of bed, but rather the kind that had me daily wishing I could commit suicide, or the times I sort of tried, or seeing the most realistic visions of myself having committed suicide, or all the lies I told myself just so I could get by, or actually speaking the words of the devil, or trying to get schizophrenia so I could be committed.

It's important to me that people know just how far I've come, and I don't really know how to describe it.

Remembering it, however, brings me to tears; if you see them I want you to know they're not tears of joy of having been released from all this pain, but rather out of fear...fear that I am not immune to this all coming back, because it did come back once. It started in 93 and between 95 and 97 it was gone, but only to return until 2006.

Fortunately, I have been healed of it all, but the scars are still there, and I am still discovering the truth. For years I convinced myself that 1+1 does not equal 2 (this is a metaphor, go with me on this)...I don't know what it equals, but it most certainly does not equal 2. The ramifications of all these lies are still haunting me...granted, to a lesser degree as time goes on, but it's still quite a process, and one that I wasn't expecting to have to go through.

How would I have known?

I suppose had I known, I would have been much more afraid to have thrust myself towards Heaven from the clutches of hell. Doesn't sound so hard now, though.

The most current thing I'm trying to work on is praise and worship music. In my opinion, it's all fluff with no substance whatsoever. I cannot relate to any of it. I'm feeling guilty too, because I feel surrounded by it, and I feel like something's wrong with me because there is no connection. During the depression, this music had a very negative effect on me. Here I am in church and everyone's singing these songs...everyone is perfect and living in a world free of pain and hurt. I felt like the spotlight was on me...singled out in a crowd. "These people are all Christians, and their lives are perfect....you call yourself a Christian and your life is pain and hurt...something's wrong with you...you're not one of them...you're not a good Christian...look at your life, you wish for death and are filled with hate and rage...you must not be a Christian because you aren't like these people." I loved the old hymns because they told stories of how there was pain and suffering and struggle in life, but God rescued you...to God be the Glory! But hymns were too old fashioned and outdated...to be a real Christian, you must listen to KTIS every waking moment, and do the whole thing where you close your eyes and raise your hands...hymns don't apply to our generation anymore. Church services must fit KTIS' approval.

So how do you expect me to listen, much less sing along to these songs, when all they do is remind me of my depression years and the isolation and distance from God? I can't do it without getting angry, unless I kind of shut down and not pay attention.

This post is not meant to resolve anything because I don't have an answer.

I will say, that despite all I've written here, that at this point in my life, I am the happiest and most content I have ever been.

I'm going to close with portions of a song that I can relate to, and no it's not a Christian song, but I can relate to it (unlike many Christian songs). It helps convey what I've gone through and what I'm feeling - it's called Easier to Run by Linkin Park.

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret, I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep, they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There’d never be a past

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler than change

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up, and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would